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(no subject) [Dec. 16th, 2006|06:17 am]
calm_randomness
So I am the type of girl who believes in signs. Through and through. I believe every where around you there are signs the universe is trying to send you. I am so confused though. Are we getting more then one sign telling us different things and we are supposed to figure out whats best for ourselves.? Or are these signs we see not really there at all just excuses for why we make the decisions we make. Is it a sign or just coincidence? Is it possible I am confusing these signs with the road signs in my heart. Caution, construction ahead, STOP. Injure a work and get hard time. I mean how do I know, how does anyone know for that matter. How can we be so sure that there things are signs and not just a by luck happening. I mean when do when to stop and go back. When do we know when the path we are on is a "no outlet"? or a dead end. How are we supposed to know. I meanlife would be so simple if we all could look in to majic crystal balls and see what lies ahead according to 2 different paths we might ot might not choose to take. If we could see whats best for us. Or maybe there is not such things as whats "best" for us. It's more or less just a choice of how you want your life to end up. When we grow up does it become easier to see these signs and know that things could potentially go wrong. Or do we know that already but in our young naive state of denial, where there are still princes on white horses, we just neglect to see the signs. Sometimes I honestly wish there were no fairy tales. As a little girl you may need that security but could it be wrecking us for the long haul. We have such high expectations of what love should be. Complete with grand gestures, and horses, and kisses that could wake you from a coma like state. But is this dnagerous? Are we expecting to much of something that may never come. Or is the biggest grand gesture of all giving someone your heart. What is love anyway, is the biggest grand gesture of all just being comfotable enough to stay with someone. (I know I am rambling but I think I deserve to. I wish there were big neon signs leading us in the right direction. Telling us that we are going the right way or doing the right things. Or we could stand, ready to take one of the paths put before us, and we can read brown boards telling us a breif synopsis of the path we are about to tell us. That synopsis telling us exactly which way to go. I wish sometimes that our heart would just tell us whats wrong or right so we just would know whats right and whats wrong.

I wish thing were black and white. Things either were or they weren't not the righ choice for you. Why can't intuition tell us everything we need to know. There are so many things that go unanswered on a daily base and I think no of us should be deprived of that wisdom. I wish that I could feel again what is right for me so that I will in the end be happy with whatever decsion I make. Why can't life just being that simple?

I remember a time when smoking was bad. When I couldn't say sex with out blushing. When drinking was only something people did when you of course 21. When things were innocent. Somewhere along the way, things stopped being so innocent. Somewhere along the way we start to grow up. You lose sight of things that used to be forbidden and you start to find yourself. Discover some sort of maturity and seriously grow up. When exactly do we loose innocence. Is it when we kiss our first boy? Or when we realize no one yells when you don't do homework. You don't get a god forbidden pink slip. When do you become the only one to blame. When you take full responsibility for your own actions. You can't blame it on your parents any longer and you are honestly the only person to blame for everything that is or isn't going wrong in your life. Is that when innocence is gone. Is it when you realize people aren't going to tell you not to do something but just talk about you behind your back and discuss what a terrible mistake you are making. Is that when you grow up? I can't remember when I lost my innocence. Is it as cut and dry as when you lose your virginity or is it a process. Do you slowly start to drift away from right and wrong and slowly enter an area or gray. When things aren't so black and white. Sex doesn't make you a bad person, smoking doesn't make you a bad person. Do we start to grow up when the realization hit us that people don't just fall into one of two categories of good and bad. Do we grow up when we realize that people have flaws but that doesn't reflect on our whole character but merely just a missing button or a stain. Does grow up mean we lose our innocence or can we keep apart of our innocence that says everybody is a good person on the inside. Do our mistakes define us? Or are they just another part of our own personal timeline. Is it better for things to be black and white for things to just be good or bad or is a gray area much better? How do you know when you are grown up? Is it just knowing that you no longer keep those standards that are ingrained in you. When do you lose your innocence?
Now I find myself falling back into a phase of discontent. I find myself worrying what other might think of the new me. Or maybe just reinvented me. Would my friends judge my flaws or would they infact accept me. Are they still in a fram of mind that is black and white or are they too falling into a gray area and just afraid to discuss or accept it. What is wrong with gray anyway. Are we too unwilling to accept that things aren't as simple as we once were naive enough to believe? Are we afraid that accepting that simplicity might be a foreign concept, would only bring more complications? Or are we denying that there is more out there and we want to stay in our neat little world that is simple and isn't scary. Maybe things should be scary and we should leave behind innocence. Maybe. Or maybe we should stay as innocent as possible for as long as possible to save ourselve. From what? who knows ---> growing up? getting hurt? being alive. But after all ignorance is bliss. Not knowing is better then getting hurt. Lies are a much softer landing pad then the cold hard truth. I think though, that the truth is just this. Life hurts, the truth hurts, there is no black and white but only shades or gray(forgive the saying)life is hard but only to us now relative to what we already know. Things only get harder and more complicated, and we slowly grow up, and lose innocence. And the sooner we all stop holding tight to a naive idea of black and white the sooner we can all get adjusted to the cold hard awful and most of the time, very painful truth.
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which came first the chicken or the egg? [Dec. 16th, 2006|06:04 am]
calm_randomness
Isn't it strange how we can lie to the people we love without a passing thought. How the fibs just spit right how because it somehow settles some insecurities we have. Isn't it funny how you analyze things to say if they knew the truth it would just hurt them so we'd rather keep them in the dark then risk hurting them. I think ignorance really is bliss. I think there are some things its just better for people not to know. Maybe yes we should know our decisions are bad or wrong and we shoud A. avoid the situation or B. be able to feel secure enough in our realationships to tell them the truth. Is lieing really a black and white issue or is it another issue that only has shades of gray. Why does it seem so inconceivable to tell the truth, are we really afraid to hurt the other person or are we afraid that by telling the truth our actions and our own conflict becomes reality. Does the truth hurt? always but is it better to be honest with not only the people around us but also to oursleves. Will one day we look back on the lies we told and feel comforted by the fact that we didn't hurt someone or will we feel the regret of lieing to someone who holds you and their trust in you to an ultimate standard. Or is it that regard and standard they hold you up to what really makes you lie. Will one day I feel guilty for secretly betraying the the trust and the faith a person had in me or will I just think it was for the best. Or will it makes me proud that I did the right thing by not hurting them. Or is it possibly true that people always wind out when you lie? I am beginning to think that that cliche "sometimes doing the right thing isn't doing the right thing" is true.
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(no subject) [Dec. 11th, 2006|02:53 am]
calm_randomness
Sometimes its hard to ignore the fact that maybe there are just some people who are meant to be in your life. No matter how angry you get no matter how many second thought you have you can't help but forgive them and just let them in. They piss you off but in the end they are still there. I sometimes wonder why I was lead down this path or how I got here. What if I had stayed friends with different people would I have still ended up here. Would I still be the "me" I am today. Its so strange to think about the twists and turns my life has taken just in the past few months. They have changed me more then I think I choose to believe. I am still the same old me but portions have changed and matured. I have hung out with people I never thought that I would. I have done things I never thought I would and as much as I have said it in the past I think I am really discovering who I am and what I want to be. I like who I am and don't regret anything. Should I?
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(no subject) [Nov. 16th, 2006|03:05 am]
calm_randomness
I've realized that the things we regret the most are not the things we said or did but the things we didn't say or do. I think the weird thing about me is I have been changing and doing so much, but I don't regret any of it. I really don't. I am just having fun and there is nothing wrong with that. The thing is if the people who care about me and who I care about knew the thing it would hurt them. But my thing is I don't care. Well i guess it wouldn't hurt them but they would be disappointed. But really I am happy and having fun and its sad the thing I am worried about is them not liking me. But are they really true friend if they judge me for who I am? I don't regret anythign I have done. None of it and I know most it is really bad but I am fine. Shouldn't I feel something, anything at all? But I don't not anything. i think the thing that has surprised me lately is everything I don't feel. I don't really feel anything but indifference. Thats so weird for me because usually I feel SO much. hmmm...

I wish there was someone who I could tell that wouldn't pass judgement and I could honestly tell everything too.
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(no subject) [Oct. 27th, 2006|02:23 am]
calm_randomness
i feel very with drawn lately. Its like I go through withdrawl periods twice a year. But I am not sure why.
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(no subject) [Oct. 25th, 2006|10:02 pm]
calm_randomness
I feel like sometime I really don't like myself. I find it so hard to stay angry at someone, and even though sometimes that may be a good characteristic I shouldn't find myself forgiving him. I deffinately should not feel the need to reconcile things. He fucked ME over so why should I feel anything towards him but hate. I don't understand how in my mind sometimes I feel like I deserve these things. I don't, I am better then this immature bull shit. But I can say that until I turn blue in the face but I still don't believe it. So what the fuck. Why must I be like this. I want to believe that if I wasn't like this people wouldn't like me for who I am. There is a reason I am forgiving and compassionate. I believe it has brought some amazing people into my life. But what if I wasn't. What if I held a grudge and didn't have a problem being bitchy? Would people still like me. I don't understand my strange need to care what other people think about me and to care if someone hates me. I shouldn't not care.
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(no subject) [Oct. 18th, 2006|01:15 am]
calm_randomness
I remember a time when smoking was bad. When I couldn't say sex with out blushing. When drinking was only something people did when you of course 21. When things were innocent. Somewhere along the way, things stopped being so innocent. Somewhere along the way we start to grow up. You lose sight of things that used to be forbidden and you start to find yourself. Discover some sort of maturity and seriously grow up. When exactly do we loose innocence. Is it when we kiss our first boy? Or when we realize no one yells when you don't do homework. You don't get a god forbidden pink slip. When do you become the only one to blame. When you take full responsibility for your own actions. You can't blame it on your parents any longer and you are honestly the only person to blame for everything that is or isn't going wrong in your life. Is that when innocence is gone. Is it when you realize people aren't going to tell you not to do something but just talk about you behind your back and discuss what a terrible mistake you are making. Is that when you grow up? I can't remember when I lost my innocence. Is it as cut and dry as when you lose your virginity or is it a process. Do you slowly start to drift away from right and wrong and slowly enter an area or gray. When things aren't so black and white. Sex doesn't make you a bad person, smoking doesn't make you a bad person. Do we start to grow up when the realization hit us that people don't just fall into one of two categories of good and bad. Do we grow up when we realize that people have flaws but that doesn't reflect on our whole character but merely just a missing button or a stain. Does grow up mean we lose our innocence or can we keep apart of our innocence that says everybody is a good person on the inside. Do our mistakes define us? Or are they just another part of our own personal timeline. Is it better for things to be black and white for things to just be good or bad or is a gray area much better? How do you know when you are grown up? Is it just knowing that you no longer keep those standards that are ingrained in you. When do you lose your innocence?
Now I find myself falling back into a phase of discontent. I find myself worrying what other might think of the new me. Or maybe just reinvented me. Would my friends judge my flaws or would they infact accept me. Are they still in a fram of mind that is black and white or are they too falling into a gray area and just afraid to discuss or accept it. What is wrong with gray anyway. Are we too unwilling to accept that things aren't as simple as we once were naive enough to believe? Are we afraid that accepting that simplicity might be a foreign concept, would only bring more complications? Or are we denying that there is more out there and we want to stay in our neat little world that is simple and isn't scary. Maybe things should be scary and we should leave behind innocence. Maybe. Or maybe we should stay as innocent as possible for as long as possible to save ourselve. From what? who knows ---> growing up? getting hurt? being alive. But after all ignorance is bliss. Not knowing is better then getting hurt. Lies are a much softer landing pad then the cold hard truth. I think though, that the truth is just this. Life hurts, the truth hurts, there is no black and white but only shades or gray(forgive the saying)life is hard but only to us now relative to what we already know. Things only get harder and more complicated, and we slowly grow up, and lose innocence. And the sooner we all stop holding tight to a naive idea of black and white the sooner we can all get adjusted to the cold hard awful and most of the time, very painful truth.
linkpost comment

(no subject) [Aug. 28th, 2006|03:34 am]
calm_randomness
WE"RE OVER.

Yes livejournal I think we are through. But don't be sad, when thing were good they were great right. So maybe one day we'll see eachother again. We've had some good times and I'll miss ya. I promise its not you its me. But all good things must come to an end...
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(no subject) [Aug. 28th, 2006|02:45 am]
calm_randomness
So things have been pretty normal, between work, friends, tennis, jon I have been busy. Our first tennis match is tomorrow. I am excited. My next paycheck should be GREAT!!!. so yeah life is pretty good. Went to 12 oaks today had some good times. Yeah I am happy about it. life's good. damn I need one of those t-shirts
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(no subject) [Aug. 22nd, 2006|10:49 pm]
calm_randomness
So  I am the type of girl who believes in signs. Through and through. I believe every where around you there are signs the universe is trying to send you. I am so confused though. Are we getting more then one sign telling us different things and we are supposed to figure out whats best for ourselves.? Or are these signs we see not really there at all just excuses for why we make the decisions we make. Is it a sign or just coincidence? Is it possible I am confusing these signs with the road signs in my heart. Caution, construction ahead, STOP.  Injure a work and get hard time. I mean how do I know, how does anyone know for that matter. How can we be so sure that there things are signs and not just a by luck happening.  I mean when do when to stop and go back. When do we know when the path we are on is a "no outlet"?  or a dead end. How are we supposed to know. I meanlife would be so simple if we all could look in to majic crystal balls and see what lies ahead according to 2 different paths we might ot might not choose to take. If we could see whats best for us. Or maybe there is not such things as whats "best" for us. It's more or less just a choice of how you want your life to end up. When we grow up does it become easier to see these signs and know that things could potentially go wrong. Or do we know that already but in our young naive state of denial, where there are still princes on white horses, we just neglect to see the signs. Sometimes I honestly wish there were no fairy tales.  As a little girl you may need that security but could it be wrecking us for the long haul. We have such high expectations of what love should be. Complete with grand gestures,  and horses, and kisses that could wake you from a coma like state. But is this dnagerous? Are we expecting to much of something that may never come. Or is the biggest grand gesture of all giving someone your heart. What is love anyway, is the biggest grand gesture of all just being comfotable enough to stay with someone. (I know I am rambling but I think I deserve to. I wish there were big neon signs leading us in the right direction. Telling us that we are going the right way or doing the right things. Or we could stand, ready to take one of the paths put before us, and we can read brown boards telling us a breif synopsis of the path we are about to tell us. That synopsis telling us exactly which way to go. I wish sometimes that our heart would just tell us whats wrong or right so we just would know whats right and whats wrong.

I wish thing were black and white. Things either were or they weren't not the righ choice for you. Why can't intuition tell us everything we need to know. There are so many things that go unanswered on a daily base and I think no of us should be deprived of that wisdom. I wish that I could feel again what is right for me so that I will in the end be happy with whatever decsion I make. Why can't life just being that simple?
linkpost comment

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