||[Dec. 16th, 2006|06:17 am]
So I am the type of girl who believes in signs. Through and through. I believe every where around you there are signs the universe is trying to send you. I am so confused though. Are we getting more then one sign telling us different things and we are supposed to figure out whats best for ourselves.? Or are these signs we see not really there at all just excuses for why we make the decisions we make. Is it a sign or just coincidence? Is it possible I am confusing these signs with the road signs in my heart. Caution, construction ahead, STOP. Injure a work and get hard time. I mean how do I know, how does anyone know for that matter. How can we be so sure that there things are signs and not just a by luck happening. I mean when do when to stop and go back. When do we know when the path we are on is a "no outlet"? or a dead end. How are we supposed to know. I meanlife would be so simple if we all could look in to majic crystal balls and see what lies ahead according to 2 different paths we might ot might not choose to take. If we could see whats best for us. Or maybe there is not such things as whats "best" for us. It's more or less just a choice of how you want your life to end up. When we grow up does it become easier to see these signs and know that things could potentially go wrong. Or do we know that already but in our young naive state of denial, where there are still princes on white horses, we just neglect to see the signs. Sometimes I honestly wish there were no fairy tales. As a little girl you may need that security but could it be wrecking us for the long haul. We have such high expectations of what love should be. Complete with grand gestures, and horses, and kisses that could wake you from a coma like state. But is this dnagerous? Are we expecting to much of something that may never come. Or is the biggest grand gesture of all giving someone your heart. What is love anyway, is the biggest grand gesture of all just being comfotable enough to stay with someone. (I know I am rambling but I think I deserve to. I wish there were big neon signs leading us in the right direction. Telling us that we are going the right way or doing the right things. Or we could stand, ready to take one of the paths put before us, and we can read brown boards telling us a breif synopsis of the path we are about to tell us. That synopsis telling us exactly which way to go. I wish sometimes that our heart would just tell us whats wrong or right so we just would know whats right and whats wrong.|
I wish thing were black and white. Things either were or they weren't not the righ choice for you. Why can't intuition tell us everything we need to know. There are so many things that go unanswered on a daily base and I think no of us should be deprived of that wisdom. I wish that I could feel again what is right for me so that I will in the end be happy with whatever decsion I make. Why can't life just being that simple?
I remember a time when smoking was bad. When I couldn't say sex with out blushing. When drinking was only something people did when you of course 21. When things were innocent. Somewhere along the way, things stopped being so innocent. Somewhere along the way we start to grow up. You lose sight of things that used to be forbidden and you start to find yourself. Discover some sort of maturity and seriously grow up. When exactly do we loose innocence. Is it when we kiss our first boy? Or when we realize no one yells when you don't do homework. You don't get a god forbidden pink slip. When do you become the only one to blame. When you take full responsibility for your own actions. You can't blame it on your parents any longer and you are honestly the only person to blame for everything that is or isn't going wrong in your life. Is that when innocence is gone. Is it when you realize people aren't going to tell you not to do something but just talk about you behind your back and discuss what a terrible mistake you are making. Is that when you grow up? I can't remember when I lost my innocence. Is it as cut and dry as when you lose your virginity or is it a process. Do you slowly start to drift away from right and wrong and slowly enter an area or gray. When things aren't so black and white. Sex doesn't make you a bad person, smoking doesn't make you a bad person. Do we start to grow up when the realization hit us that people don't just fall into one of two categories of good and bad. Do we grow up when we realize that people have flaws but that doesn't reflect on our whole character but merely just a missing button or a stain. Does grow up mean we lose our innocence or can we keep apart of our innocence that says everybody is a good person on the inside. Do our mistakes define us? Or are they just another part of our own personal timeline. Is it better for things to be black and white for things to just be good or bad or is a gray area much better? How do you know when you are grown up? Is it just knowing that you no longer keep those standards that are ingrained in you. When do you lose your innocence?
Now I find myself falling back into a phase of discontent. I find myself worrying what other might think of the new me. Or maybe just reinvented me. Would my friends judge my flaws or would they infact accept me. Are they still in a fram of mind that is black and white or are they too falling into a gray area and just afraid to discuss or accept it. What is wrong with gray anyway. Are we too unwilling to accept that things aren't as simple as we once were naive enough to believe? Are we afraid that accepting that simplicity might be a foreign concept, would only bring more complications? Or are we denying that there is more out there and we want to stay in our neat little world that is simple and isn't scary. Maybe things should be scary and we should leave behind innocence. Maybe. Or maybe we should stay as innocent as possible for as long as possible to save ourselve. From what? who knows ---> growing up? getting hurt? being alive. But after all ignorance is bliss. Not knowing is better then getting hurt. Lies are a much softer landing pad then the cold hard truth. I think though, that the truth is just this. Life hurts, the truth hurts, there is no black and white but only shades or gray(forgive the saying)life is hard but only to us now relative to what we already know. Things only get harder and more complicated, and we slowly grow up, and lose innocence. And the sooner we all stop holding tight to a naive idea of black and white the sooner we can all get adjusted to the cold hard awful and most of the time, very painful truth.